I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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