I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
