I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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