I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
