i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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