that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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