4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
