god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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