We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
