well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you will always have a special place in my vag
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
