my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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