my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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