Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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