At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
