My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
