i just sent this text using only my big toe
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize