He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
