can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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