nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I die, sorry about rent.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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