Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
