$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
