What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
