I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
