TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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