I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
