i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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