I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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