how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
