wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
