I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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