you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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