All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The power of my boobs compel you
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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