Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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