Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
