Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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