I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
