I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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