So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
