Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
