Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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