dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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