sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
