Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
