Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The cops high fived after they tackled you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
