On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
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once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize