Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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