Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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