we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
