Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
