you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.