It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf