Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.