we made out on top of his cat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool