So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
