if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i think i just lost a toe
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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