sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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