The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
