So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
